Why Proactive Rest is a Great Strategy for Neurodivergent Women

The Struggle with Forced Rest

Nobody likes being forced into anything, and I feel this intensely. I still remember the simmering anger I used to feel whenever I recall my working days in the so-called ordinary world.

Like everyone, I was pushed to perform an array of irrelevant, meaningless tasks dictated by whichever unlucky boss happened to have me on their team.

It’s interesting, isn't it? Even now, if I'm pressured to do something, even a task I might moderately enjoy, I become overwhelmingly resentful. Am I a massive control freak? Probably.

But that's not our topic for today! Today, I want to discuss how Self-Enforced Rest (SER) has been the key to maintaining some semblance of stability in my life, particularly when managing my energy levels—and why and how this doesn't come easy...

My Journey with Chronic Fatigue

For those who are new here, I've spent significant chunks of recent years confined to bed due to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS/ME) and Autistic Burnout.

It's been horrible. But paradoxically, it has also been the most invaluable experience of my life. I've come to know myself intimately and, in the process, have evolved into a kind of energy wizard.

Understanding My Energy Levels

I’m hyper-aware of my energy levels—what activities will cause energy drain, how they do, and what I need to do to fill my tank and when. Monitoring these levels has become a commitment I hold dear.

Sounds easy, right? Something we should all know? Not quite. I employ SER even when I'm not tired, which is challenging for an ADHDer who thrives on task completion, dopamine rushes, and new plans and ideas.

Here are some of the things I need breaks from:

- Society’s expectations

- Other people's energy

- Toxic energy from traffic, supermarkets, airports, etc.

- Overstimulation from heavy lifting or excessive exercise

- My phone

- Overly-busy workdays

- Sometimes, my wild, tangled mind

I've learned that maintaining a decent life—one where I can go food shopping and meet friends for lunch—requires a proactive approach. Instead of reacting to warning signals, I now act before they even appear. This approach has been transformative, allowing me to avoid potential burnout.

Shared Struggles: A Widespread Issue

As I reflect on my health journey, it's glaringly apparent that my friends are grappling with similar health challenges. This shared experience underscores a widespread issue among women our age—many of us have put our kids, partners, colleagues, or friends’ needs before our own. Now, we’re faced with mild to severe health challenges because of it.

The Root Cause: Capitalism and Patriarchy

What's to blame? The usual culprits—capitalism and patriarchy, of course. A deep-rooted sense of never doing enough or being enough plagues so many of us. In my years as a Life Coach, I never met a single woman who didn't wrestle with these feelings. We 'should' all be doing more!

Insights from Friends on Self-Enforced Rest

For today’s post, I surveyed six of my friends about their approach to rest. Here’s what I asked:

“Seeking thoughts on self-enforced rest. Is it something you do because you know you'll suffer further down the line if you don't?”

Here’s what some of them said:

- "I do, but it always makes me sad that I'm not seeing my friends or having human contact. Even though I can't cope with it at those times, I still miss it. I just try to ride the sadness. And if I rest for too long, I find it almost impossible to reemerge."

- "Unfortunately, my upbringing doesn't allow me to rest. It doesn't fit with the toxic work ethic drummed into me."

- "Over the years, I've learned to see the signs that trouble is on the horizon. So, for me, rest is going outside and weeding the earth, listening to the wind, birds, and bees, with the phone turned off. That's my guilt-free rest and the most restorative for me."

- "I romanticise about it, but when it comes to it, I believe there are far more important things to be doing."

None of the women I asked took time for themselves during the working day—besides their lunch break.

The Importance of Alone Time

I asked a further question: Does resting have to be done alone?

Maybe not, but it has to be contained. I know I have to be 100% if I'm socialising—otherwise, it takes all of my reserves if I'm in retreat mode. On the other hand, if I'm feeling good, then socialising brings me joy and satisfaction. But when I'm resting, I need quiet, calm, restorative vibes—one-on-one time is manageable and comforting.

As someone who's missed birthday parties and holidays due to fatigue, I understand how sad resting can feel.

The Conditioning Against Rest

The fact that we’re so conditioned against rest is also sad. As a mind-body advocate, I firmly believe that repressed emotions are the root cause of many illnesses. To achieve true wellness, we need to process and release these emotions.

Taking the time to rest and create space for ourselves allows buried feelings to surface, to be heard, and to be fully felt. This process is essential for healing, and it's how I'm now in recovery from CFS/ME.

But this often means confronting excruciatingly painful emotions—years of oppression, self-betrayal, and unacknowledged suffering. It takes immense courage to face these deeply rooted issues.

The Pain of Rest: Facing Our Emotions

A sign that we have deeply buried emotions is feeling agitated, anxious, or in flight mode when we finally sit down to rest. This discomfort can lead us to reach for distractions—food, wine, TV, anything to take our minds away from this unease.

This is the reason I've struggled with addiction.

For me, healing involved endless dark nights of the soul, an existential crisis, and tears beyond tears. No wonder many of us are repelled by rest, even though we may not realize that's why we're avoiding it.

A Glimmer of Hope

To give some glimmer of hope, I will say that these emotions are never as painful as we think they will be—**in the sense that we’re not going to die from feeling them**. We’ll be okay, and life gets better because of it.

The True Meaning of Rest

Rest isn’t simply about physical relaxation; it's a pivotal opportunity for emotional and mental cleansing. Embracing Self-Enforced Rest (SER) shouldn't be a luxury; it’s a necessity for preserving our energy and well-being.

This involves confronting and processing uncomfortable, deep-seated emotions that may bubble up as we rest. Left unattended, these emotions can manifest as chronic conditions and burnout.

Carving Out Time for Self-Care

By proactively incorporating SER into my routine, I've created a sustainable balance that allows me to thrive rather than just survive.

I encourage us all to carve out time for genuine rest. Challenge the ingrained beliefs that equate rest with laziness or failure. Understand that stepping back is not only acceptable—it's a powerful act of self-care.

It is hard, but we can break free from the harmful cycles perpetuated by societal pressures and capitalist demands. Instead, let’s foster a life where we listen to our bodies, honor our emotional needs, and ultimately, be well.

Rest is not just an antidote to exhaustion; it's a radical form of self-love and liberation.